All My Thoughts Lead Back To You
by L. D. Nicolescu
Summary: "The furture for me is already a thing of the past - You were my first love and you will be my last." Bob Dylan, Love and Theft.


**All My Thoughts Lead Back To You**

* * *

He leaned in to kiss me and for a second I felt panicked. What was I supposed to do? Was I supposed to kiss him back? Or did I have the option of pushing him back? Would he take it wrong if I did? Or would he understand?

I closed my eyes and braced myself for the contact of his lips on mine. It wasn't that I hadn't kissed someone before. You can't go twenty one years without really kissing someone, but the idea of kissing Minato, my best friend, scared me a little. Not because he wasn't good looking, because, even if I didn't want to admit it to myself, he was one of the most beautiful people I knew. With that small smile of his that tended to reach his eyes before his lips and that messing blonde hair that he messed even more whenever he was nervous, or that damn annoying personality, when he was so polite that it was nauseating. I and to admit it, even to myself, I did once felt attracted him. In the way a girl feels attracted to a guy, but those days are over.

I didn't know what it was that snapped me of my daydreams of him when I was younger. Maybe it had been the war. Something so awful could knock out even the most beautiful memories out of someone. Or maybe it was the realization that my country would never be again. Its destruction had come as a shock for both Konoha and me. And I'd promised myself I wouldn't cry about it, but here I am, about to get kissed by my current boyfriend, and I'm thinking of a lost country.

Maybe that had been it? The lost of my loved ones had left a deep scar that made me unsure about things like love. I knew it existed, because I too had felt love once. For my family, for my friends, for my village. And I knew that I should have been grateful to have it, since most people start wars over it, but maybe the realization that we were not immortal, we were not eternal in this world, snapped me out of my romantic thoughts.

Here I was. The target of Minato's love. Something I had accepted gracefully when he had finally confessed his love for me. Because even thought everyone thought I'd been oblivious to his hints, his stares, his affectionate hugs, I'd known all along that his affection for me went beyond friendship. It wasn't until one rare snowy day, when I had been feeling so depressed about my home back then, that he had the courage to come out and confess that his love went beyond friendship.

Maybe it had been the setting. Falling snow around us, puffy cheeks, sitting tightly together to conserve heat that his heart won over his fears.

His confession had been adorable. I couldn't deny that. The nervous stare, the blushing cheeks, the fumbling of his hands. It was weird seeing the coolest headed guy I knew stutter like that. He was always so determined to do things that I don't think I'd ever seen him hesitate before.

I had been left speechless off course, because even though I since long ago knew about his feelings, I hadn't really braced myself to knowing what I should have done when the moment actually happened. My first reaction was to stare at him incredulously. Like I had really heard him at all. Then I had whacked him in the head, calling him an idiot, to which I apologized almost as immediately. One does not hit the person that has just confessed; you either accept it or reject it. But I didn't know what to do. My best friend had confessed to me and I didn't know what to do. I was speechless. I was thoughtless and really nervous since his face never left mine. I had to react, and I had to do it fast. So I did the first thing that came to mind. I kissed him.

I know I shouldn't have. At the time, my so called admiration feelings for him had disappeared. Well, not disappeared exactly, because I still held him in high regard, they just transformed, if you will. They were no longer of this god like figure that had saved me all those years ago, when I had thought of him like _the _shinobi. He was one of the most amazing shinobi I'd ever known, but I also discovered that Minato wasn't invulnerable. And that realization had crushed the glass I saw him through.

It had been when the war had just started. Everyone had thought that the invasion of Iwagakure over Sunagakure was just that. _Their_ problem. But for someone reason, the defeat of Suna had brought avarice to the Raikage. He had thought his ten thousand men army were more than enough to defeat any other opponent and his set his eyes upon the land of fire. At first the war had been predicted to last a couple of months, like the Second Shinobi World War had, one of the bloodiest, but also, one of the shortest on history. Iwa's first attack had come as a surprise on us. No one had expected the transition to take so little time. It was a seven day trip to Iwagakure and five to the frontier of the rock nation. So when Iwa shinobi attacked out doorstep, our gasp of surprise didn't come as a shock to anyone.

Minato, a recently promoted jonin, had been sent as a team leader on the first wave Konoha took against Iwagakure's army. Their mission was a simple one, annihilate the first few groups of Iwa shinobi, and get back to report of the extension of their power. But something went horrible wrong. Minato had been testing a new technique of his. Flying Thunder God, he called it. The concept was simple, use sealing tags to transport you from one location to another in mere seconds. Just like summoning. The problem was that the first version of this jutsu required a hell lot of concentration and just the right amount of chakra to work. Something, that even the most talented shinobi like Minato, still had trouble doing. For reason, his jutsu failed when he needed it the most and he was capture by the enemy amongst a few of our comrades.

News traveled fast among war. And the news that he was captured among Iwagakure shinobi boroughs tears to my eyes. Minato, then my platonic love, wasn't as invisible as I had thought. That glass came crashing down.

Nobody really knows what really happened a few days after that. Some of the ones that were able to return alive swear that they didn't see a thing, but for some reason, Minato came back with just a few scratches on his cheek and a triumphant look on his face. The only one that really knows how a whole platoon of Iwa shinobi was defeated by a single man was the Hokage, who then prompted to seal away the scroll containing the report. After that day, the name Yellow Flash was known across the world. But my idea of Minato disappeared.

I started seeing him as a mere shinobi. A really gifted one at that, but a shinobi after all. He was just like me. He was good at something's and he was bad at others. I was better than him at seals, but he was better than me at creating complicated plans to defeat the enemy. The idea was crushed.

It wasn't really until after a few seconds after his confession that I realized some of those left over feelings were still there. The feel of his lips on mine wasn't as terrible as I had thought it would be, since kissing someone you don't really like isn't as pleasurable as doing it with someone you actually fancy. Maybe the idea of him wasn't completely lost yet. Maybe I still had a chance to return his feelings and make him happy. Because that was one thing I knew for sure was that I loved seeing that dorky smile of his face. I didn't know what it was, but the upside lips and the light in his blue eyes, made my heart flutter a little. Maybe, if I played my cards right, I could continue to see that smile.

I still remembered the first time I had seen it. It had been back when I had gained my reputation as the Bloody Habanero when I had beaten the Genin brother of Keisuke, a jerk that had a thing with my hair, that I truly saw his genuine smile for the first time.

I still can't recall why he showed it that particular day. I can't figure out what the big deal was. So I had to dress up for the occasion, everyone had to and it was a normal thing to expect when the daimyo celebrates his ninetieth birthday. Since I was the daughter of the leader of my clan, the Uzumaki clan, I was forced by the Hokage to attend the party as a representation of my village. There were others there too, it wasn't like the responsibility fell on my only, but I was in one of the most important jobs of my then short life, trying to behave well in front of old people who kept nagging my hair and pinching my cheeks and commenting on how beautiful I would grow up to. There was just so much of that that you allowed. So I snuck away to were the waiters had left a trey of untouched snacks, and hid under the table, waiting patiently until the adults would forget about me so I could return home. It would just be a couple of hours, but I had food and it was entertaining to see people when they thought you were looking at them.

The daimyo had smelled his arm pits a few times, the Hokage had checked his teeth on his drink and a who I thought was the daughter of an Uchiha elder, tried smoothing her skirt over, so they wouldn't see the stocking underneath her dress. Adults just tried too hard to give a good impression, I had thought if it were up to me - but I didn't get to finish that thought, since a hand on my shoulder jerked me to my right. There was just no way someone had discovered where I was already. I had only been gone a few minutes and lady Mito was still rather busy taking to a younger guy over at the corner. So who - but that was when a pair of blue eyes met mine. Namikaze Minato. The class genius. I had seen him a few times at the academy, but we had never really spoken before. My first words to him were something I still can't remember, but whatever I said had pleased him someone, since he not only smiled, he also dared comment on how beautifully the kimono fit me, and how nice it was to see my face without the usual pout on it.

At the time, the idea of him hadn't sunk in yet. He was just another kid in my class, but for some reason that meeting marked the way I saw him through the years.

First he was the annoying flaky kid with the blonde hair, and then he was Minato, my friend who had saved my life, which turned into, Minato the godly Yellow Flash of Konoha to Minato, the dork who is in love with me. _Me_.

I still can't believe that he's in love it's _me_. In my twenty one years I had only had two boyfriends. The first one was way before I had been forced to move to Konoha. His name I have long since forgotten it, but I could still remember the sweet smell of bread on his skin. It had been a silly crush on him, and we had held hands a few times, but then the delicious smell of fresh bread disappeared and I was shipped to another country.

My second one had been my other best friend: Satoru Uchiha. Sato had been my very first friend in the academy. Since I was known the village I didn't know about the unspoken rule other kids had about not socializing with the Uchiha clan. It was supposed to be them and us, so imagine his surprise when I stole his pencil right before a test. He was used to being ignore or feared by other kids, but I had boldly made my case to the teacher of how those bit marks on the eraser where indeed mine and not his, as he claimed. After that, we spent most of our time together, playing, joking, I taught him to pull pranks, and he taught me ninjutsu. It was a win win relationship. Until one day everything went _wrong_.

Before his death, we had "dated" in a lose sense of the word. Friendship turned into crushes and punches turned into kisses. He and been my very first kiss, something I remember I had over analyzed over and over after it had happened. Had it really meant what I thought it had? And if it did, what was I supposed to do about it? That was until I half yelled, half stuttered that maybe, those friendship feelings went beyond platonic. We had promised to explore our options after our missions were over, because it there was something with a bad timing it was war. It had torn us apart.

The news of his death had come as a shock to me. Not only had I denied the act from actually happening, but when his funeral came around, I'd refused to go. We had promised, I cursed, and we had promised that we would talk things over after the war, figure things out. Continue where we left off. But destiny had other plans.

Life got even more unbearable after that. Tension was high in the village with the continuous war. Attacks were getting even more frequent and close the village so much that Iwa managed to infiltrate one of their men in our ranks that wiped out most of the ANBU guarding the surrounding premise. I could never understand who ANBU could manage to seem so strong as a unit but weak as a group. Maybe it was the extreme coordination of plans that made things so difficult. Attacks aren't predictable, so you can't expect your plan to actually work open battle.

The Hokage took extreme measures when seven civilians were killed, a few months later. Two do them new born. Twins. And Uchiha above all. The war was escalating and things were getting precarious for us, so he decided to take the most unexpected action anyone had ever seen since his naming of Hokage. He named Minato as his predecessor. Not everyone in the council liked it. They thought he was still too young it rules a village. A village that was a war at that. But man power was getting thin in the front lines and we needed someone new to lead us to victory. Someone with new ideas that would take the Tsuchikage by surprise and would force the Iwa forces back. We needed someone like Minato.

The ceremony was a short one. We didn't have time for over the top flourish. Even if the Daimyo thought it was necessary. We were at war, and our enemies wouldn't wait for us. So upon receiving the cloak and the hat, Minato made a small speak about how he would be one of the few selected ninjas to take the shinobi on the front lines. No one like it. Everybody thought he had to stay in the village to lead his people through this desperate times, especially when provisions were getting so scarce, since trade was difficult among enemies. He was to stay back and order people around. Maybe come up with new ways of forcing our enemies back to their country. That was what the old sandaime had done.

He had not accepted such orders from the council. He was to fight on the battle field. Not on politics like old men. He was needed by his village, by his country, not by a bunch of reports and paper work. Plus, his presence on the battle field, would force Iwa's commands to thinking twice about their moves.

His arguments were so heart felt that even I was left astonish at the passion he had commanded it. And something in me fluttered. Those old forgotten feelings I had once felt for him came back. The invisible Yellow Flash was slowly, but surely coming back into mind. He was returning to be the guy I had once felt something more than friendship for. Unfortunately our time together after that grew even scarcer.

We both had our own mission and personal communication between one battle field and the other was difficult. I knew that he would be ok. We had both survived four years of war; another few months wouldn't be that different, until on a fateful day I was returned to the village.

Obito had died.

I had never seen Minato in such pain before. He didn't cry. He didn't trash around. He doesn't do _anything_. He just stared at me blankly, silently asking me maybe, this was just all a joke. Reality couldn't be so cruel, he said, the boy was just barely twelve. I had lost so many people in my life before that, but to lose one so young and cheerful; well I just can't tell you the feeling in my chest when he collapsed onto me. And just like that, the image of our Hokage was lost again. He was once again, Minato. Human, vulnerable, Minato. And for the first time since we had first met, I felt scared for him.

His dream had come true. He had indeed become Hokage. He had perfected his Hiraishin No Jutsu, and was so close to completing the Rasengan, he could die a happy man. And maybe, just maybe, that was the entire universe had store for him. He could die now.

My chest tightened. I couldn't lose him. If I lost him too, I didn't know what I would do with my life. I couldn't lose another person in this life. Not again. So I convinced him to make me one of his private body guards. It was a boring job, all I could do all day was follow him around like a puppy and maybe expect something exciting to happen, like maybe some idiot Iwa thought _he _might actually be the one to defeat the Yellow Flash and has his name carved into history, but at least I could be sure that he was save. That he was alive. That I wouldn't lose yet another soul.

The war ended with Iwa's defeat. We didn't brag on it. We didn't even made any demands on the loser party, except for the liberation on Suna, who had been suffering under such malevolent rule. Iwagakure had no right to hold another village hostage any more, and the south pack was made. A pack that involved Suna, Otogakure, Takigakure and Konoha. We were to protect one another if there ever was another war.

My job as a body guard continued, this time with a more flexible schedule. I was sent out on missions outside the village. I had my own fair share of diplomatic ones, but most of all I was asked to help around the re-constructions of the fallen buildings. This was going to be a new era, Minato had told me ones, and this was going to be a generation without war.

Our strained relationship was healing. We no longer in such a rush to get somewhere that we actually had time for small talk. We tried to catch up at my favorite ramen stand at least once a week, whenever Minato could escape his paper work and his overwhelming assistant. Apparently she had made it obvious that she had a thing for him. I couldn't blame her, because even thought I had known Minato since we were eight years old and had spent more than a year being by his side twenty four seven as a personal body guard, I had never really stopped and taken a good look at him.

He was taller than I remembered. Broader, didn't seem to be like the right word, but there was something about his body that made it seem incredibly safe to be into. His hair was longer than ever, reaching just past his jaw and his eyes had grown bluer, if that was even possible. Or maybe it was just the summer. His voice had deepened a long time ago, but there was just something about the way he spoke now that made you actually stop and listen to what he was about to say. Even if it was something as trivial as his opinion on my eating habits. He had grown out of his boy persona and had molded himself into the fourth Hokage. I could actually look forward to spending a little more time with him.

That was until he complicated this over.

In my whole life I had been confessed to twice before. The first time I hadn't really felt anything about it. I knew it was a joke of some sort so I didn't pay much attention to the words. The second time, it had been with Sato. It had been rushed and completely out of context, but not less heartfelt. I had felt warm and nervous at the same time. So I was kind of expecting it this time around too. Except it didn't go so well for me.

After my unintentional kiss of him after this confession, he got it through his head that I felt the same for him, and such an expression of joy, I just didn't have the heart to tell him otherwise, so I played the nice in love girlfriend for the next few weeks. Bracing myself whenever he kissed me, trying not to pull back when he held my hand, accepting his cheesy gifts, until one day he confronted me about it. He wasn't an idiot, he had said, he knew that my feelings for him didn't go beyond platonic and that I should stop being and idiot and actually come out and says it. I just wasn't ready to return his feelings in the way he wanted me to. It was ok, he had said, we could rerun to what he had had before this. He wouldn't hold a grudge.

Those were words that I hadn't been expecting to hear. I knew the Minato was beyond begging, but the insanely mature way he had explained our situation angered me. I asked him for one more chance. I would continue to be his girlfriend for a whole more month, if my feelings still didn't change by then we would part ways, but he had to come at me with his best shot. His friendship was just too far important to me. I wasn't about to lose it without a fight.

And here I was. Just a few days till my due date were over and my heart still cringed a little when he kissed me. Why couldn't someone just command the heart to like someone who likes you back? Why did it have to choose the high way? The wrong way?

I braced myself for the contact of his lips on mine. Except they never did. Instead they posed on my forehead. Opening my eyes, I stared into his.

"It's ok," he whispered, taking my hands in his. "You don't have to force yourself."

"I'm not," I immediately whispered back. Couldn't he see that I was trying my harder to return it?

"Kushina, it's ok," he repeated, giving my hands a tight squeeze. "Maybe one day you will find someone who makes you feel like you make me feel."

No. There was just no way. "But, we still have a few days." I blurted, fear spreading through me. He couldn't leave me now. Not now. Not ever. I could still change my mind.

"I'm not going to force you into something you don't want to," he explained, letting go. "I don't want to be the cause of your misery."

"But you are not!" I yelled, panicked. "You are one of the greater things that have ever happened to me! You are my best friend, you, you are my lobster!"

"What?" he laughed, confusion masking his pain.

I drew back slightly. Had I really just said that? Had I really meant it? It was something I had once heard on a show, a really long time ago and laughed about it. It was silly. Being meant for someone that you were willing to spend the rest of your life with, but something about his last statement had forced me into saying it. Was it true? Did I really mean it?

I looked into his eyes. There was pain there. Pain because he had finally figure out that maybe my feelings weren't going to change. Pain because he had finally accepted that this love was not meant to be. But underneath that, was a little light of hope. Hope that means my earlier outburst showed that I truly felt something for him. Something beyond friendship.

Did I?

I ponder on all those times we had spent together, not just in the last month, but ever. He had been there when no one had wanted to partner with me in the practice fights at the academy. When I had been kidnapped. When Sato had died. When the news of the destruction of Uzu had arrived. When the war had started. The naming of his Hokage title. The end of the war. We had spent so much together, and yet I felt like it wasn't enough. I wanted more. I wanted more experiences with him. I wanted new experiences with him.

His eyebrows rose when my silence stretched. I tried to explain myself. "It's this dumb thing I heard on a show once," I tried remembering what the lady had said. "It's a known fact that lobsters fall in love and mate for life. And you know you can actually see old lobster's couples walking around their tank holding claws." She tried to imitate them. "You just have to image us being lobsters."

A small grin broke out. "What are you saying?"

What was I saying? "I don't know," I threw my hands up in the air. "But after everything we've shared. I'm not going to let you go without a fight."


End file.
